Daggers Part 2

Daggers

I live in the South, and as a teacher at heart, my heart skips a beat when we have a chance of snow in the winter.  Any chance makes me want to turn my pajamas inside out and do a snow dance before bed.  Sunday night was the best chance we've had all winter for a good snow.  Heck, they even named the storm so I'm thinking "YES, it's gonna happen this time!"  With each passing hour, the forecast changed and as I peeked with anticipation Monday morning for the beauty of the flake, I woke to freezing rain and sleet. Ughhhh!  

Eager to see the beauty of the day anyway (#1000gifts), I started looking and asking God what He wanted to show me through this day.  Staring out my kitchen window, looking for my Beloved Cardinal, my eyes captured this sight as the rain and sleet hitting the roof of my shed.  Icicles forming longer as I watched the water drip to the tip and then freeze immediately.  Each time I went back to look, I noticed the icicles getting longer and seemingly sharper.

As the day wore on, the visual I saw in the icicles greatly resembled a dagger or a sword, which sent my mind thinking about the most dangerous thought patterns that I can have that would actually take the form of a sword.

Anger>>resentment>>bitterness>>unforgiveness

The drip and freeze thing that the freezing rain was doing to make the icicles reminded me of how subtle our feelings, left undealt with or hidden, can change and fester and grow until they are unmanageable.

"Bitterness is a frozen form of hidden anger and resentment. Bitterness grows out of our refusal, to let go when someone or something is taken from us. Bitterness is being constantly hurt by a memory and is holding onto a hurt until it has a hold on you."

 "When you are offended or disappointed by others and allow the hurt to germinate in your heart, bitterness and resentment will take root. Bitterness is characterized by an unforgiving spirit and generally negative, critical attitudes. Bitterness and resentment are self-defeating. Perhaps it grows from the literal loss of a loved one or of a job, or income, or relationship. Sometimes it might be more subtle and grow from the loss of a reputation, or social position in a group, or control. Whatever the cause, bitterness grows out of unreleased loss."

I have seen in my own life the damage that has been caused in my heart and well being by letting anger continue to add layers of resentment which led to bitterness which left me with a poised dagger of unforgiveness.  The crazy thing that I found more than anything is the damage it did to my own heart.

Unforgiveness is the poison I drink and wish that the other will die.  It's the prison I'm in that I wish the other would be locked in with the key thrown away.  It's the slow growing dagger like the icicle that has layer upon layer that can eventually be used as a weapon.  

Ephesians 4:31-32New Living Translation (NLT)

31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

I know that left to my own nature, I don't even have it in me to forgive, but the truth I have to proclaim and live by is the fact the Spirit of God lives in me and gives me all I need to not allow anger grow into a weapon that would be used to destroy others.

John 14:26The Message (MSG)

25-27 “I’m telling you these things while I’m still living with you. The Friend, the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send at my request, will make everything plain to you. He will remind you of all the things I have told you. I’m leaving you well and whole. That’s my parting gift to you. Peace.

Thank you, my Savior, for being the perfect example of grace and forgiveness to me... 

Plentiful Harvest of New Life

"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives." (John 12:23-24)

Red letters… yes, Jesus said this.  He was talking about Himself, and I love His humanity in it because later in the passage He says that He is deeply troubled and even in Luke 22:42 He asks the Father "if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done."

Tennessee harvests corn.  I'm not sure what for, maybe for feed for livestock, fun for corn maizes, but I don't think we have a lot of the sweet corn that I love to eat!  Country road running is fun for me because God always shows up!  So as I was running earlier last week, God stopped me mid-stride to call me over to take a picture of this field.

Broken kernels of corn laying on the soil beneath, God reminded me gently of the times in my life where things had to be cut off, broken, fallen to produce a Kingdom harvest.  Do any of us love to be broken? Heck no!  But I have found that the greatest places of brokenness in my life have served God to produce more than I could ever imagine. 

Who could have ever thought that the brokenness and death that an abortion causes could bring so much good?  My heart is so full when I see instagrams of a precious life where God gave me the opportunity to share with a scared teen contemplating abortion.  Although my Tanner was a seed that fell, a plentiful harvest of new life can be had because I allowed God to use my brokenness for His Kingdom's Harvest.

Maybe you're going through a hard season right now.  Is divorce knocking on your door?  Has infidelity been a part of your story?  Does disease cripple your heart and mind?  Are you in chronic pain?  Maybe a loved one has seen death way to early?  Do you bear the scars of abuse or the regret of addiction? Has your heart been broken by someone who was supposed to love you?  Can I reassure you of one thing?  God is not the author of any evil, whether it's evil that was brought upon you, or evil you chose.  Ever since the Garden where Adam and Eve were given a choice, we have been choosing our own way ever since.

A truth that God has sealed to my heart because I have lived it, is that He can use any amount of pain, brokenness, or death to bring about LIFE.  He will bring a harvest out of your pain if you will allow Him to give you the strength to share your story.  God promises that He will bring good out of all things.  Maybe you can't see that good right now.  That's okay.  Ask God to begin to show you the beauty even in the ugly that life gives.  It may take awhile, but our God is patient, always desiring the fullest life for all He created.

So my encouragement to you is this:  Allow God to begin to plant Kingdom seeds for harvest within the crazy story of your life.  Allow yourself to be vulnerable by sharing your story so that someone might have "life" because of the "me too" that they shared with you.  Sometimes the most encouraging part of our sharing our stories is that we know that we're not alone.  

Digging out

 The northeast has been snow hammered within the past few days.  My friend Lisa lives in Maine and she's been giving this snow starved Tennessee girl a play by play of the the snow's kiss on her area.  

Looking at her snow drift as she opened her back door, I thought of the gazillions of snowflakes that it took to make that mound.

 And isn't' that how it is with our lives?  The snowflakes start falling, and they're manageable and honestly quite beautiful, but before you realize, they have piled one upon the other until we're left with a choice to be buried by them or start digging ourselves out.  Those small snowflakes for me began as the thought "They will like me better if I please them."  And then more flakes piled and blew on top of one another and the thoughts grew to "I have to please them."  Year after year of seemingly "good" in my own mind left me with a heavy burden to dig out of…Codependency.  What's so elusive and misleading, is how the seemingly harmless can magnify itself into something that's so heavy that it suffocates you, and you have to ask yourself, "Do I just accept things the way they are, or do I start to dig out?"

I don't know, maybe you're that one who took that first drink to help you "relax" from a hard day at work, and you have found yourself in the heavy of dependence.  Or maybe you might be one who has come through quite a few surgeries that required narcotics in recovery, and you've found yourself buying off of the street.  Maybe you're the one, that as a child, wasn't given many reasons to trust, so you find yourself not trusting anyone.  Maybe you're the one the has had the family worry and fear passed down, so you live your life heavy and unable to live joy in the moment of today. 

I have struggled with many things in my life: Shame, not feeling enough, codependency, rejection, that have been so heavy at times that the thought of digging out of them seemed insurmountable.  God was so gracious to show me that the way I was living and the thoughts I had about myself were never His best for me.  In 2003, he gave me Breaking Free, later He gave me Classic Christianity that completely sealed my heart on who I am in Christ.  This past year, God gave me a shovel to help me heal even deeper when He gave me Finding Spiritual Whitespace and Codependent No More.  

Digging out is such a process.  God has shown me that nothing ever worth fighting for happens overnight.  I am thankful to know that even though life can be heavy, there is always One who will hand me the shovel and come alongside.

The Way May Not Be Clear Yet...

In the Fall and Winter, the trails at the Battlefield are cluttered with leaves that have yet to be naturally composted by the wear of feet making the trek in and out.  If I'm not careful, or get caught up in the singing of my favorite new worship song, it's easy to get confused as to where the path to the trail lies.  If I look closely, I see the leaves trampled and worn to show me the way.

Our stories are much the same way.  When I began to recover from the shame of having an abortion that I had in my 20's,  I felt like I had to be totally healed before I could begin to share my story.  I had to be able to tell it without crying, without beating myself up, and of course I had to do it all with strength and courage to show that I was well!

An amazing truth that God continues to reveal to me is that He can use my story to help others no matter if I'm just beginning my recovery, or if I'm healed and on the other side of it.  

It's like the beginning wear of the leaves on the path.  The trampled parts let you know that someone has gone before you.  In our stories, often the greatest encouragers are those who may just be a few steps ahead, so that the task of being completely healed is not so overwhelming.  

So I encourage you to be that one that looks behind you and brings others alongside you that can say "me too".  The way to complete and total healing may not be clear yet, but it's so cool to know that the trampled leaves ahead means you're not alone.